I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
