Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
