The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everyone says I win the strip club
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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