I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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