I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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