A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
