if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
