you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize