Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
