So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
