Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
