Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
