Your dad touched me again.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My ATM looks so different sober.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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