just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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