wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
