he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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