Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
