In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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