I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
