Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
