i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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