remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
