They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
