When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
