My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
