Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
