i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
