I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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