For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
