I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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