wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
