"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Found the puke drawer
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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