Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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