70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
