I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
