I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Randomize
