Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
