Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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