i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
