I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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