Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
