I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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