for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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