Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
