If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
