I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
