obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
