My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
