i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
