Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
