Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
