so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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